Taking off the Kid Goggles

Have you ever watched a movie or TV show many years after loving it as a kid only to realize, "Man, what was I thinking back then?" This is a phenomenon that I refer to as wearing "kid goggles". This is a term that I've been tossing around for years, which I may or may not have come  up with (sometimes if you say things long enough you think that you started it). Taking off the kid goggles and realizing that one of your beloved favorites is actually horrible can be a traumatizing experience. And I'm not talking about watching a movie that's directed at kids as an adult and thinking it sucks, because there have been plenty of "kid" movies that are incredible (see: almost all Pixar movies, Disney classics, The Sandlot, Hook, etc.). I'm talking about watching a movie or show as an adult and wondering why in the world you ever liked (and in some instances absolutely adored) the piece of utter crap on the screen before you.

I think my most embarrassing examples are two Fox afternoon action TV shows, Power Rangers and Big Bad Beetle Borgs (yes, that second one is a real thing). From ages 7-11 I tried to watch these every time they came on after school (I know that age 7 was the starting point because both shows were rated TV-Y7, a recommendation that 6-year-old Drew felt was legally binding). One day after reminiscing upon my after school routine, I decided to at least look up the theme song to both of these. What I am about to show you may shock and horrify you, so proceed with caution:

OK a couple of things. First, how totally rad is that guitar riff on the Power Rangers intro? Was it recorded by Eddie van Halen or something? I'd like to also point out that Billy was always my favorite, being the "smart one", I guess I identified with him (he was also the nerdy one, which probably helped mold me into the movie blog writing nerd I am today). Big Bad Beetle Borgs is so astonishingly bad that I don't even know what to say. The line "BIG BAD BEETLE BORGS" as sung by the chorus from hell still rolls around my head every once in a while.

What's so funny about all of this is that I was in love with these two shows as a kid. After perusing some more clips of the actual show, it became abundantly clear that  these two shows are the absolute lowest common denominator. Cheesy, stupid, somewhat offensive (you're telling me that it wasn't on purpose that in Power Rangers, the black ranger was black, the yellow ranger was Asian, and the red ranger had Native American heritage? Come on!), these shows had it all. Why was I so in love? Only one explanation. Kid goggles. As a kid, you really only require two things from a show or movie: slapstick humor, and the ability to identify with a character. That's pretty much it. You don't care if the dialogue is cringe inducing, or if every joke is as lame as watching Arkansas basketball road games, you just like it. In fact, I don't know that there was anything I watched that I didn't like.

In college I stumbled across Rookie of the Year, a movie I loved as a kid. It fulfilled both kid requirements to a T: abundant slapstick humor, and an identifiable character (a kid who gets to pitch in the majors? Yeah, 9-year-old me is way in). But after watching Rookie of the Year as an adult, or what I could sit through of it, I began to wonder what I was thinking back in the day. My kid goggles had been taken off, and Rookie of the Year will never be the same.

Here's another one: 3 Ninjas. Every boy around my age has seen this one, and has at one point wanted to actually become one of the 3 Ninjas. The movie has three kids being taught karate by their grandfather and using it to beat up the adult bad guys. Basically any 8-year-old boy's dream. I saw this one again in college on Netflix, and cruelly had my kid goggles ripped off. First off, if there is a record for saying "ay-ah!" in a movie, 3 Ninjasblows the competition out of the water. Every single punch, kick, or any other bodily movement is accompanied by this noise. The scene you're about to watch is what might be the most insane (not in a good way) movie scene ever, yet it didn't even stick out to me as a kid. Here it is:

The blocks, the dialogue, the dunking (dunking by a 5th grader?!) are all so insanely bad it's hard to fathom. Again, kid me loved this with all my heart. Wow.

Every once in a while you'll be pleasantly surprised with your tastes. I got The World Is Not Enough (James Bond movie with Denise Richards) for Christmas one year and probably watched it 50 times. Watched it again the other night, and despite the fact that Denise Richards is indeed the worst actress of all time, the movie is pretty good. Same goes for Batman: The Animated Series. This was appointment television as an 8-year-old, and after watching a bunch of the episodes again in college, I can say that my love was not misplaced. The writing and voice acting are really good, and any Batman fan will love them. 

If you have a beloved childhood movie or TV show that you haven't seen since youth, I urge you to proceed with caution. Your childhood may come crashing down after realizing that hey, maybe the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles TV show on CBS isn't the greatest show ever. In fact, it's actually really, really bad. Dang it. There are the rare times that the nostalgia power is too strong; you might secretly know that Saved by the Bell is not exactly Seinfeld, but your emotional ties are just too strong to realize it (but let's get real, Saved by the Bell is a bad example because that show is one of the greats ever made. Mark-Paul Gosslear deserved an Emmy every year that show was on, but got totally snubbed. Bunch of hacks giving out those awards I tell ya). If you've ever had the thought, "Man I loved (insert show/movie) as a kid, maybe I should look it up on Netflix and watch it again!", I only have one piece of advice for you: just be careful when taking off your kid goggles.

Has anyone else had a movie or show ruined by taking off the kid goggles?